Artisan – Post 38 – Policies Of Probation

Artisan by Dan Joyce


Post 38

Policies Of Probation


“Ok, I’ll be your new probation officer. Are you still living at the same address?”


“Have you had any trouble with the law since your last appointment. Well I ranted about some guy on the internet and he threatened to sue me for slander. That’s not a criminal offense though.”

“No, that’s different.”

“Yes, he’d basically have to sue me in a civil court then try to collect the money. He’ll have to stand in line behind AT&T, T-Mobile, Capital One, my former landlord and the student loan people.”

“Ok, you understand you are not allowed to associate with other felons or people on probation. Have you been doing this?”

“Just at A.A. There’s lots of them there. I told a girl I was a felon and she said, ‘Join the club!’ I said, ‘Nope, we can’t have a club!’”

“So you go to AA?”

“Yes, just to get out of the house and do something for free. I go to church too.”

“Do you do drugs or alcohol?”


“But you used to have a problem?”


“When was the last time you did drugs?”

“One hundred years ago, in a former life. Some strong shit though! Still feeling a little drowsy!”

“How long has it been?”

“Several years.”

“Are you around anyone doing drugs?”

“Nope, but while I’m here I’d kind of like to narc off J.D.Simpson. He does a lot of them.”

“You understand that you are required to be drug tested and your home randomly inspected for search and seizure?”

“Yes, but it’s kind of embarrassing.”

“You also have to co-operate with mental health. You said you make poor decisions when ill, what other symptoms do you get?”


“Ok, we’re going to have you pee in a cup.”

“Now? I just went before I came in. I could try though. Got any juice?”

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